Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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