I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
