I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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