In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
