You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
