also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
