i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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