Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
