I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
