i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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