do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
