how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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