Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
