So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
