omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
