My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
