Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
