What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
