Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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