I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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