yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
