So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
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