Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
