I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
