I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
