I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
