Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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