He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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