I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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