So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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