are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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