So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
