If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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