I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
