Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
