It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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