How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
