I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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