My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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