the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
