im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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