I can text with my tongue
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
