Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
