I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
