the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
