I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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