i love accidental penises.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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