you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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