the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
