I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
