I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
