In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
