can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
